Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
