the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
