I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
