I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
