i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
