Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
