I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
