I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.