You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.