i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
