remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
