I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
