The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
