we have pet lesbian snakes
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
