just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
