so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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