phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
BRING THE BAGELS
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
