I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
