But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
