My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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