Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
