Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
