Can i not drive my cunt home
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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