How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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