I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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