I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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