I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
