Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
