The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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