I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
