Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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