You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
