i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
