oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
