Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
How does one acquire holy water?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
