The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
