My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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