its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
