Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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