I want to have your abortion
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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