This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
