Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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