and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
