i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
