Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
