That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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