Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
