I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
