I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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