thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
