apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
