the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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