I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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