i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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