is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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