I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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