Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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