He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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