If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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