god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
